Slush Gray And The Six Galoots

June 12, 2010

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Once upon a time (actually twice, but that’s, literally, another story), a bottle painter named Douglasa Gray and her husband, a pencil repairman named Abigailo, had a daughter who had skin and eyes as gray as the driven slush. Therefore, they named her Slush Gray.

Posted in: Fiction

Christine Pelican, Interstellar Accountant Episode 34

June 12, 2010

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Dr. Simplitstix stuck his head back out of the hatch. “Christine, this is one spreadsheet you won’t reconcile,” he shouted, then sank into the GoSpud 8000 and silently roared off towards Alpha Centuri, where Olga was meeting him at Bob’s Big Boy.

Posted in: Fiction

NEW PARTY MOVEMENT UNITES THROUGH DIVISION

June 12, 2010

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The Democrats and Republicans may have longevity, and the Tea Party movement with its Libertarian allies may be the media darlings of the moment, but there is another force quietly building in many pockets of the country.

Posted in: Fiction

Dreadful But Ultimately Inspiring: My True Story

June 7, 2010

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In the wake of “false biography” scandals, I thought it time to write a genuine story. I will reluctantly publish this despite my deep sense of privacy and humility.

Posted in: Fiction

The Greatest Novel Ever

May 17, 2017

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Praise for The Greatest Novel Ever “This is one heck of a book; makes me glad I created you people after all.” – God “Devilishly good!” – Satan “Be quiet, Satan.” – God “Make me.” – Satan “I already did.” – God “Good one, Dad!” – Jesus “Stop with that, he’s not your father.” – Moses […]

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George Washington: Zombie Herder

September 27, 2012

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George Washington: Zombie Herder An Historical Zombie Novel By Ted Geier The little boy’s voice was steely as he adjusted his powdered wig and swung his hatchet at Murray, the only zombie who hadn’t been herded back into the secret graveyard behind the Washington family toolshed. The hatchet inadvertently flew from his hands. As Murray […]

Posted in: Uncategorized

New York Magazine’s Best of New York

February 17, 2011

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Note from Ted: This will appear soon in New York Magazine, but with this special sneak preview, you can beat the crowds! You're welcome. Includes: Best Gutter, Best Non-Traditional Massage, Best Piece of Unbuttered White Toast Made From Wonder Bread. And more!

Posted in: Fiction

Oh Bloody Hell: A Goth Teen Vampire Odyssey

February 15, 2011

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I ladle punch into a paper cup and look around the gym at my so-called friends. They are all dancing with girls. I am drinking punch and feeling the unbearable weight of my recent breakup with Caramela.

Posted in: Fiction

Wagons to the West!

November 21, 2010

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The wagon started to roll. “Hurry up, Jordache,” my father called to me. I fastened the velcro on my overalls, grabbed the last piece of Johnny Hotcake my mother had boiled that morning over the campfire, and hopped on the back of the wagon.

Posted in: Fiction

Hellion War Cats Over Korea: An Epic Novel of War

November 16, 2010

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The zeppelin dove one final time as Navy Sergeant Pedro O’Malley took a last drag on his unfiltered Virginia Slim. Third Mate Herb O’Newbrunswick turned to O’Malley. Then he turned away, and turning back again, said, “I’ve never trusted those Germans, Pedro.”

Posted in: Fiction

Right in the Kisser

November 3, 2010

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It was hot. Even for August. My office was a sty – I hadn’t cleaned it in weeks. But it was a sty. There was a knock on the gate, and my assistant, Cowmille, entered. “You never showed up at my stall last night,” she mooed in a cold tone that attempted to hide her vulnerability.

Posted in: Fiction